Friday, October 3, 2008

remembering not to worry

The rain today seems to complement my energy level, not very violently strong but deliberate and tired. I had a lot to accomplish today and didn't quite fit in all of it. Sometimes that's how the day goes, though. Accepting that my to-do lists are always impossibly long is helpful when I really begin to worry about getting everything done. 

I recently figured out that I have a procrastination problem that involves feeling overwhelmed. If I feel overwhelmed then I also feel paralyzed and can't start anything because of the associated worries about getting everything else on the list done. That, in turn, allows my to-do list only to grow scarier and scarier. So I've been trying not to acknowledge the overwhelmed feeling and just press forward towards accomplishing things. I vow to keep working on something all day, to keep moving, writing, cleaning, reading, whatever it is until it comes to the point that I can cross something off the 'big list'. 

I have a lot rolling around in my head, so physically writing down and crossing items off lists certainly helps to quiet the voice that's asking me what I've already forgotten to do. My memory is a direct cause for anxiety and I compensate by using devices to assist my memory. I did notice this week while driving that I was recalling memories easily when I was relaxed- and they were memories I hadn't touched on in quite a while. I do believe in attention restoration theory and maybe that's all I really need - a little more calm and free thinking. I think I'm enjoying journaling, too, for that reason because it gives me a moment to focus and recall the thoughts on events of the day.

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