Thursday, May 7, 2009

Spreading my wings

I remember clearly two years ago sitting on the deck of my new apartment, laptop cords stretched to inside outlets, staring at the 'submit' button on Antioch University New England's Online Application for graduate school. I was on the deck because we hadn't even setup the internet yet, and I was feeding off a weak wireless signal in order to be online.

I remember having a moment of panic. It was the last day that the application would go in, I had not yet gotten reccomendations from people, and I thought my application would be immediately rejected. I considered stopping and not submitting the application at all. I remembered the previous year's hopes of applying that never materialized. I began to resign myself to the idea of one more year of office-bound misery.

I came inside, dejected, and explained my situation to Mike. And, for the first time since we had been together, Mike yelled at me. "Go back out there and DO IT." he said. 

He kicked my butt, and I went back out onto the porch, finished up the application and hit 'submit.' That nudge, that firm affirmation telling me to just shut up and do it - allowed me to move past my self-sabotage about my future. I applied, got accepted, attended and arguably, changed my life in a way that no single action had changed before. 

Walking across the stage and graduating was just as exciting to me as being accepted. I beamed with an unshakable smile at my accomplishments, my challenges, my knowledge. I came out the other side a more whole person, and I'm now pursuing new directions that I never expected were possible. 

I can say now, that I feel more like a butterfly than I ever have. In the next few months I'll be stretching my wings to get the blood flowing, and will soon fly on.

Thank you to everyone who made this possible 
for me.  Thank you for putting up with my sometimes frazzled emotions, for being there for me to unwind, for helping me not to starv or become homeless, for debating with me and listening to my rants and raves, for patiently supporting each of my new ideas that I had for my future. 

I've made a lot of sacrifices and recieved many helping hands over the past two years, but the support you have all given me has been an amazing gift in and of itself.

I couldn't have done it without you.

With love and gratitude,